


You're everything that I want. ( Don't you want me too? )

by svcculents



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Sadness, Unrequited Love, alec's thoughts, i have returned, my bby blue eyes, one sided jalec, self-hate, yes i took pity, yes this is angsty, yes you get a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5890180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svcculents/pseuds/svcculents
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which alec tries to hide his feelings from himself and fails miserably.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're everything that I want. ( Don't you want me too? )

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey motherfuckers im back!! im doing this fic based off of shadowhunters episode 4 aka The One Where Everyone Died lmao. ok so this is kind of a mess, it jumps from topic to topic. this is a collection of Alec's thoughts n stuff and they obvi tie together but ye just wanted to clarify. ok bye!!

Having to live with the fact that he was in love with the one person he could never have was already hard enough. When Clary showed up and brought Simon and chaos with her, Alec was so close to breaking down.

All Jace payed attention to was Clary. Everything these days, was Clary. Even with Isabelle, it was Clary. He hated the girl. She lost her mother, lost her memories, and was given Valentine in return. He would feel sorry if it wasn't for the fact that he loathed her existence.

Golden eyes were etched into his brain and Jace leaned in, didn't that mean something? He could see the look of pity Isabelle was giving him, the confusion on Clary's face.

He didn't know what to do, when the warlock began to flirt.

_"Pretty boy, get your team ready." "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to.. You."_

At this point, Alec didn't know what was happening, but his heart skipped a beat and his cheeks were warm. He stuttered when the warlock introduced himself and silently cursed his inability to be normal.

His head snapped up when Clary screamed. There was a part of him that was glad she was in pain. The other part of him felt slightly sorry for her. Not too sorry, of course.

Him? Pretty? Doubtful. The warlock- no, _Magnus_ , wasn't exactly subtle, and Alec nearly choked when he claimed to have slept with Michelangelo. Jace was looking between them, his eyebrows raised and disbelief on his face. Alec shrugged at him and made a face, trying to say he didn't know what was happening, he was just as surprised. Jace didn't look convinced.

His heart sank when he saw his place, his heart beginning to race. Magnus held out his hand and Alec hesitated. The shorter man's eyes narrowed ever so slightly, as if he was challenging him. Alec stretched out his hand and Magnus grasped it. Jace reached out and took his other hand and Alec jumped.

It was Jace, it was supposed to be Isabelle. He could see Jace staring at him and he pulled away with a yell. "The demon deceived me! No, it's not true!" He fell against the wall, his entire body shaking, his mind blank and oh god, what had he done?

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Alec." He froze, not looking at the other man. "I don't know what you're talking about," he replied, keeping his tone even. His voice sounded cold, even to him. "You will," Magnus said, softly. He looked at Alec over his shoulder as he walked away, but the black haired boy didn't notice. He was too busy staring at his _parabatai_.

He couldn't think, even in his own room. He was pacing, his hands tangled in his hair, he couldn't breathe. Why couldn't he have stayed calm, why couldn't he have not pulled away. Now Clary would never have her memories returned to her and Jace would blame him for it. It was all his fault, he couldn't do anything right.

He sank to his knees, his eyes burning. He felt sick, his head was pounding and he didn't know what was happening. The last thing he felt before he fell to the floor was the hot tears dripping down his cheeks.

Isabelle had found him and he begged her not to tell Jace. She looked as she would slap him or rush into his arms and sob. Instead, she pulled him towards her and and let him bury his nose in her hair. She held him tightly as his body shook.

"I love you," she whispered. He didn't respond, only clung to her and she understood. Her hand raked through his hair and rocked him back and forth. There were times where he didn't know who was older, him or her.

Jace would stare at him in confusion and Alec could see the gears turning in his head and he couldn't deal with those piercing eyes watching him.

When Clary exploded on him, he froze. He froze, and he stared at her and her eyes widened, realizing what she had said to him. It was too late to take it back, he had already pushed her against the wall and threatened to kill her.

They were siblings and he took a sick satisfaction from that, knowing that she could never have him. He, however, also felt sorry for her. Now, he didn't regret the feeling. He felt genuinely sorry because he knew what it was like.

All he wanted was to be able to close his eyes without seeing Jace. Open them without seeing Jace, longing for him to be there, to love him when he knew that the blonde boy never would.

It wasn't until a few years later when he realized, he never loved Jace. Jace was there and he clung to the thought of someone loving him and that someone became Jace.

He once longed for to be to close his eyes and not see Jace. He didn't, anymore. He opened his eyes slowly, blinking. Across from him, green, almost hazel cat's eyes watched him. They were filled with love, affection and happiness. Alec knew he was loved. He knew he was needed and he knew that he wasn't alone. And he smiled.


End file.
